How to Be Less of a People Pleaser and Not Feel Guilty About It

If you want to live a life of purpose, you must cut back on your people pleasing ways.  While it’s important to do good and serve others, there is a line when it changes from serving to people pleasing.  Do you find yourself consistently saying ‘yes’ to others when you really want to say ‘no’? Do you feel like others are taking advantage of your niceness? Are you always thinking about ways to make others happy while neglecting your own happiness? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you’re a people pleaser.

While there are many reasons for people pleasing behavior, I believe the root of people pleasing is lack of confidence and not realizing your self-worth.  When you rely on others for affirmation, you will continue to go out of your way to do things for them, even if it’s not what you want to do or if it’s not good for you.  When you base your self-worth on how much you do for other people, you’ll continue to do and do and do for others in an attempt to rack up brownie points and feel better about yourself and feel needed.

If you want to stop people pleasing, begin looking at why you’re stuck in the behavior.  Are you saying ‘yes’ to feel important and needed? Are you afraid of making someone mad? Are you trying not to offend others?  Think about why you continue to be a people pleaser.  I want you to give yourself permission to be selfish.  Stop worrying about what others think of you and recognize that you have a choice in every situation.

Whatever the root cause, you can be less of a people pleaser by taking simple, intentional action to focus more on yourself and less on others. Here are a few tips to help you start your journey to being less of a people pleaser.

1. Define Your Priorities. It’s important that you develop priorities of your own.  What are your goals?  What areas do you need to focus on right now so that you can take your life to the next level? Once you’re clear on your priorities, use those as a guiding beacon for your decision-making and how you spend your time.  Be sure that you’re not spending more time on the priorities of others than on your own.
2. Set boundaries and train others to respect them.  People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  If you set a boundary about how you want to be treated or things you are not available to do, don’t break it!  For example, if you don’t want people to call you on the phone after a certain hour at night, if they call, do not answer the phone.  The minute you answer the phone, they will think its ok to call at that hour, even though you said not to.  The key here is to set your boundaries and express them to others and let them know you are serious by sticking to your boundaries.  If you hold them to it, they will learn to respect it.
3. Learn to say ‘no’.  Saying ‘no’ is hard, but it’s necessary.  If you say ‘yes’ to every request for your time, energy or money, you will never be able to live the life you actually want to live.  Never feel as if you can’t say no.  In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable to say no without fear of the other person becoming mad or angry.  If someone can’t understand you saying ‘no’ or not being available, rethink this relationship and begin setting clearer boundaries.
4. Ask for what you want. A part of being a people pleaser is your willingness to let others get their way.  You may be afraid to share your opinion or let others know what you want, but you must begin to find and use your voice.  If something’s not ok, don’t say it’s ok.  Begin to speak up. Even if you don’t get what you want every time, you’ll start to build your confidence and it will become easier each time you speak up.
5. Get used to backlash.  By saying ‘no’ more often and asking for what you want, you will irritate some people.  That’s ok.  Don’t be phased by it, just understand that it’s a part of the process.  Don’t get scared and back down, instead, stick to your ‘no’.  The other person will get over it.

It won’t be easy when you begin implementing these tips, but it will be well worth it.  Being less of a people pleaser will make you feel more in control of your life and it will give you a sense of freedom to focus on your priorities and live a purposeful life.

Ready to be less of a people pleaser?

1. Take some time this week to figure out your priorities.  Not sure where to start? Consider where you are in each of the following life areas: Career, Finances, Health, Family & Friends, Romance, Personal Growth, Fun & Recreation, and Physical Environment.  Determine your priorities based on the area(s) you’d like to focus on or improve now.
2. Be intentional about saying ‘no’ this week.  If you want to say ‘no’, say it.  Don’t feel guilted into doing something you don’t want to do.

Are you serious about being less of a people pleaser? Comment below ONE tip from this blog that you plan to start implementing today.  Report back next week and let me know how it goes.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you!